Thursday, February 2, 2012

From Russia With Love

Dear Czech Republic,

Hasn't this been a simply deightful winter? The sun is shining, the ducks still paddle around the village ponds, and all of the hormonal, cigarette addicted teenie-boppers can still venture out until 5 in the morning with high heels and a pair of nylons on. It must be really nice to forget your gloves at home and still be able to wiggle them after 20 minutes outside.

I'm sorry to break the news, but you and all of your closest European neighbors are in the midst of receiving a little taste of what we in Russia like to call "I wish I could feel my nose, toes and rear end" cold. This is the kind of cold that will make you see sense in having a drink of something boozy right before heading outside, so you have a have a good laugh at why you made the non-sensical choice to live in a place that gets so ridiculously freezing.

Thought polar fleece was unfashionable? Fur? Wearing a hood, leg warmers, and multiple layers of hand coverings? Forget fashion, you cosmopolitan bourgeosis whiners. The gust of cold air we're blowing your way is going to require everything you have, and even then, don't plan on spending more than five minutes outside at a time. You'd better hope where you're walking, there's an open shop every 200 meters you can stop into and pretend to browse.

Now we know that you didn't choose to live in Siberia, and we promise this will only last a few weeks, but for the time being we appreciate your patience and acceptance as ice immediately forms when you accidentally spill tea on the sidewalk. Remember that film, The Day After Tomorrow, when the ice spreads immediately as the dooming cloud of cold covers the earth. We just wanted to give you the pleasure of experiencing it first hand.

So hang in there, crank up your heaters (we're sorry if you can't afford to), have a couple glasses of wine, and get used to feeling a little anti-social for a while, because the cold is here, and you're just going to have to deal with it. Suckers.

With love,
From Russia